Larry: (clutching his back) “Ooh, pardon me, I gotta go lie down. I have a weak back.”
Major Filbert: “How long have you had a weak back?”
Larry: “Oh, about a week back.”
Yes, it’s a Three Stooges skit from a long, long time ago but I never tire of the Stooges. I’m well aware that they’re an acquired taste and not everyone “gets” them (particularly the ladies) but this particular line about a weak back is one I use often—mainly because I have a weak back.
I endured three back surgeries back in the 1980s and, like a large part of the population, I need to be sensitive to the demands I place on my back. Stretching it out before I attack a round of golf or even simple yard work is a necessity. Something as simple as painting a room can leave me unable to bend at the waist for a day or two.
So what does all that have to do with Disney? A bad back is one of many ailments that the good folks at Disney have chosen to warn us about as we negotiate ride queues. We’ve all seen the admonishments that urge us not to ride if we suffer from a bad back, neck problems, pregnancy, vertigo, a fear of heights, dizziness, a hangnail or the heartbreak of psoriasis.
I can remember my first trip to Disney World when the proliferation of these warnings had me considering taking the chicken-exit from “it’s a small world.” (That’s a joke. There isn’t one; I’ve looked.) Seriously, my first time through the Space Mountain queue, the number of warnings finally convinced me to bail just before the loading area. Since then, on the advice of family, I’ve ridden Space Mountain numerous times with no ill effects.
That leads us to a question, one that I’m sure we all hear from time to time, particularly from first time visitors—or those taking a first time visitor: “What can I ride or, more importantly, what rides should I avoid based upon my (insert specific ailment here)?” Let’s try to answer those questions with a walk through each park, paying attention to those rides that might present a particular problem if you, like me, have a bad back—or a stiff neck, are claustrophobic, prone to dizziness, junior-aged… you get the picture.
Magic Kingdom
There’s really nothing in Adventureland that should present a problem for any of us…unless, of course, the sound of Gilbert Gottfried’s voice induces nausea.
On the other hand, Frontierland introduces us to two of the three mountains: Splash and Big Thunder. I’ve never been a big roller coaster person and would shy away from them at fairs or other amusement parks. However, Big Thunder Mountain Railroad was the first coaster that I actually enjoyed. It doesn’t have that initial high climb outdoors that triggers any fear of heights. It’s also mild enough so it’s not overly jarring to my bad back or arthritic neck. (Yeah, I know. I’m in tough shape.) In short, I highly recommend it to anyone that is unsure about coasters in general – it’s a nice first step.
Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. Photo by Steve Russo.
Splash Mountain is not much different. The ride through is mostly smooth and there’s no real terror until the very end and the big drop. I admit to always being apprehensive as my ride vehicle approaches the drop—there’s just not much for me to enjoy about that steep angle of descent. Yet, every time I ride I’m amazed at how quickly it’s over and also how soft the landing is. I always expect a drop at that angle and speed should feel more like a collision at the bottom, but it’s really quite smooth.
As we work our way around the park, we come to Liberty Square. I’ll avoid making any really bad jokes about steering clear of the Hall of Presidents and encourage you to try the Haunted Mansion but, with some reservations. There’s nothing there that would physically prevent someone from riding, but there is a bit of a sinister atmosphere during both the pre-show and the ride itself. The scare factor there doesn’t really come into play with adults but can be very real for young children. To you, it’s completely harmless fun but, to a young mind, it may be 8-minutes of pure terror. My advice is to never, ever force a small child on to an attraction. I’ve seen entirely too many insistent parents dragging a crying, screaming child on an attraction into which they really didn’t want to be dragged. It almost never ends well. Let the young ones dictate what they will or won’t do. I’ll get off my soapbox now.
The Haunted Mansion. Photo by Steve Russo.
Fantasyland is next. There are no serious issues here but the Mad Tea Party, with its spinning cups, may be something you should avoid if you’re at all prone to dizziness or vertigo. I might also suggest some caution at Mickey’s Philharmagic. What? Philharmagic? Seriously? This is the only instance I’ve heard of but my wife has expressed some minor discomfort here during some of the 3D effects—specifically during the “Just Can’t Wait to Be King” number. There’s something about the movement of the giraffes that she finds a bit unsettling. It’s minor and doesn’t lessen her enjoyment of the attraction but it’s something to be aware of. As she says, “I can always just close my eyes.”
Mickey’s Philharmagic? Really? Photo by Steve Russo.
Tomorrowland brings a couple of concerns. If you have a fear of heights, you might want to give a wide berth to the Astro Orbiter. I would also suggest something as tame as Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger Spin could offer some difficulty. You can control the spinning of the vehicle and there’s no speed or drops to be concerned about but there is that one section in the dark with a spinning light that can be a bit disorienting for some.
Space Mountain is an interesting study. By roller coaster standards, it’s actually quite tame with a top speed short of 30 miles per hour. I’ve ridden many times and do enjoy it but, for me and my bad back, it does have some drawbacks. First, the ride vehicle itself is uncomfortable for someone my height – 6’ 2”. I need to squeeze and fold my legs into positions that just aren’t natural. The ride’s other drawback is one of its chief selling points—it’s in the dark. While that makes for a fun ride with unexpected drops, dips and turns, the fact that I can’t see what’s coming up prevents me from bracing myself so the ride is that much harsher.
Epcot
While Epcot is not known for its thrill rides, it does boast a few attractions that would qualify for some consideration before riding.
Test Track has some abrupt starts and stops as well as some bumpy riding but I’ve found no difficulties riding with a bad back.
Test Track. Photo by Steve Russo.
Mission: Space presents an entirely different set of concerns. As you probably know, the ride is now available in two versions: there’s an orange, or spinning, side and the green, non-spinning, side. The two sides are identical in every way with one big exception—on the orange side the centrifuge will spin to allow the riders to experience the G-forces associated with liftoff and the negative G-forces, or weightlessness, when you reach orbit. I rode orange on my very first ride and thoroughly enjoyed it. My second ride, however, I wasn’t so lucky. Nothing serious—just some minor queasiness that lasted for 30-40 minutes. I’m still not sure what caused it but I’ve been enjoying green ever since.
The Green side for me, please. Photo by Steve Russo.
Soarin’ is one of my absolute favorites at Walt Disney World and I’m surprised whenever someone says they can’t ride. I know a few people that have a bit of difficulty with heights and movement and this attraction does lift you off the floor and move and tilt you in front of a huge IMAX screen. You should also be aware that there are different smells used during the ride that add some realism. As an example, as you soar over an orange grove, you’ll notice the distinct aroma of… oranges. What I’ve learned is the chemicals used could possibly trigger an attack in those that suffer from asthma.
While I can understand all these issues and I sympathize, I would encourage any newbie to give Soarin’ a shot. It’s too good a ride to pass on and 99.9% of us will have no problem with it.
My favorite sight in Epcot. Photo by Steve Russo.
In 2009 The Sum of All Thrills opened in Innoventions. This attraction allows guests to custom-design their own roller coaster, bobsled, or jet plane experience—then ride it via a simulator. It sounds similar to Cyber Space Mountain at Disney Quest. I haven’t tried this one yet but I’m betting anyone who can’t tolerate tight spaces will have a problem here.
Is there anything else at Epcot to be concerned about? The 3D film, Honey, I Shrunk the Audience, had a few scary moments but that’s now been replaced by the return of an older 3D film, Captain EO. No worries here unless you have a fear of Michael Jackson dancing across your forehead.
Ellen’s Energy Adventure is mostly benign but it does have a few scary dinosaurs, loud noises and a sleep-inducing radio room (a great, air-conditioned spot for a quick nap). Let’s move on to…
Disney’s Hollywood Studios
The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror is one of my all-time favorites and is arguably the best themed ride in Florida. The problem is it does have those pesky elevator drops. I can truthfully say that, even with my back, I’ve never had an issue with this attraction. I would urge everyone to, at the very least, go through the pre-show and enjoy the library, its artifacts and the Rod Serling film; followed by the walk through the boiler room. If you really must, take the chicken elevator back to reality but, unfortunately, you’ll miss some great special effects during the early part (pre-drops) of the ride.
You can almost hear the screams. Photo by Steve Russo.
The Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith is certainly not for everyone. It’s loud, very fast and features a couple of inversions. Inversions aren’t really my thing but, if you can handle them, it’s a fun ride.
Star Tours is another personal favorite and I’m really looking forward to its re-opening in May 2011… with a new film! Like Soarin’, I’m surprised when folks say they can’t ride Star Tours but the simulator is prone to some rather abrupt movements so I can see why it could be an issue. I’ve also heard the claustrophobia card played here but at least to me, the Starspeeder is large enough that it shouldn’t be an issue.
The only other attraction in the Studios I would encourage you to bypass is Sounds Dangerous but that has nothing to do with any physical limitations—just good taste.
Disney’s Animal Kingdom
The obvious attraction for discussion is Expedition Everest. It’s a fast, but smooth, coaster. Like Tower of Terror, I’d encourage everyone to head on the through the queue—the theming there is not to be missed. The ride itself gives two areas of concern for my fellow roller coaster wimps. First, I’ve already mentioned my feelings about that long upward climb outdoors. That’s usually enough to keep me off a ride but, in this case, the view is so spectacular that I can ignore the height. You can spot the Swan and Dolphin hotels from there.
I can see the Dolphin from here! Photo by Steve Russo.
The second issue is a bit more difficult for me: the backwards part in the dark. I know, I know… it’s not that bad but, for me, there’s something very disorienting about that segment of the ride.
The only problem with Kali River Rapids is that you will get wet. I once read an article about Kali in an advertising section of the USA Today. There was a comment that, while on this attraction, a rider has a 92% chance of coming into contact with 22 gallons of water. That sounds about right. I see many folks donning ponchos and the like before boarding. My advice is to store your camera in the center bin, keep your feet up on the foot rails and you’ll be fine.
Does anyone have a problem with Kilimanjaro Safaris? Probably not but it can be a jarring ride, particularly if you’re seated behind the rear wheels. The safari vehicle path is rife with simulated ruts and tire tracks that are there for authenticity. They can make for a bumpy ride but I’ve found that that it’s particularly rough if you’re seated behind the rear wheels where you get sort of a trampoline effect.
So there you have it—a semi-complete guide to the attractions at the four main Disney World parks that might present a problem to you or yours. I hope that this column is something you can show to Uncle Gus or cousin Gert when they start asking what rides they should avoid on their first trip because of Gus’ gout or Gert’s lumbago. On the other hand, you can just let them be surprised—it will be our little secret… and don’t forget to have them try the Beverly!
